Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1029
You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know?
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.