Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1029

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Abstinence is a perversion.

Sex is scary cause you can die but worse than that, you could feel.

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

My Jihad energy drink isn’t going to go. Ramadan noodles, not going to go. My Islamic version of the 3 Stooges, with Mohammed and whatever would be the Islamic version of Larry and Curly...

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.