Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1029
You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?
I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'