Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1113
One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.
You might be a redneck if you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.
My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."
On Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton”
If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.