Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1113

People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.

Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house." and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!"

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? "Give me your cell number."

It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans… but the Hungarians are pissing us off.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.