Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1113
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.
I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
It's easy to point the finger at someone else and place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone and start blame placing the shit outta them.
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
(Unlikely lines to hear on a TV Show ) Welcome to Blind Date with me , Stevie Wonder.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.