Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1113

I have one phobia, snakes. And by "snakes" I mean "intimacy."

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

You might be a redneck if the rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.

Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

You might be a redneck if you've never paid for a haircut.