Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1113

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

You might be a redneck if you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

On Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton”

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.