Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1113
Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
The TV season is a year-long thing now, and the networks are starting to look at it that way, thanks to cable, satellites, and competition.
Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
And I was like, “Um, yeah, I am.” I have no idea why though. I had nothing to do with that movie. It’s just some people that kind of look like me are in this movie that everyone loves and winning Oscars and stuff.”
It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.
Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'
One little boy turned to the kid next to him, and he said, 'I hate you.' And this kid was devastated. He started crying those only tears you can cry as a child. He was saying, 'I don't know why you hate me; I don't know what I have done to make you hate me.' And then softy, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, he said, 'Fuck.' And the first boy heard him and said, 'Hold On. Do you swear?' And he said yes, and they were friends again. Don't tell me swearing it wrong. I have seen it's healing properties.
You might be a redneck if you have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called "the sound hole". The one of the face of its player is called "the sincerity hole."
Again, America is a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.
The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it's an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn't. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we're such a dumb nation.