Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1112
I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guys says, “I make a good living.”
We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.
A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.
Founding Fathers didn't worship Jesse James or Al Capone. Protect yourself but gun reform will save murders and suicides in the long run.
Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, "this is going to hurt me more than it will you".
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Self hatred is a bitch. That being said, people who really like themselves rarely produce anything interesting or creative.
If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.
In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.