Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1112

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.