Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1112

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don’t even know I’m saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she’s like, "Oh, I love your show." And I’m like, "You can’t love my show if you can hear."

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

You might be a redneck if you have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

My boobs are very muscular!

The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. A thirty-five-hour flight. Imagine the boat ride. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here.

It cannot be easy being a Muslim in America at the moment.... For instance, there are some people in America that cannot tell the difference between Muslims -- of which there are hundreds of millions -- and terrorists. Now, just think for a second about quite how offensive that is. That's like if the Muslim world could not differentiate between American people and professional baseball players.

They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.