Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1112

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I’m surprised she hasn’t joined them!

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'

[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long is a Scottish winter?

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.