Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1114

You might be a redneck if you've never paid for a haircut.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

There’s a need to perfect things in a writers’ room, and that can take a lot of fun out of a show sometimes. It’s a struggle. It depends on your personality. Some people love working with a writing staff. I had a great writing staff on Lucky Louie, but it sometimes felt like Congress or something.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.

Everyone I know with a kid says, "you gotta try it"... It's not a joint. I can't just put it out in an ash tray when I'm done.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.

How are you gonna make an ‘idol’ from the type of person you’re trying to avoid in real life?

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. "You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!"

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'