Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1114

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

You might be a redneck if you have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

Again, America is a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.

The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it's an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn't. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we're such a dumb nation.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, "Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."

I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'