Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1114

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

On Jeff Ross: “You’re fattening faster than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton”

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!

I went one time. It wasn't voluntary; it was pretty much court ordered. But I thought I could give back to the AA community, you know, see all those single hottie men there. I could be like a sponsor. Have them call me at two in the morning, and be like, 'I want to have a drink.' I'll be like, 'I have one! Come over!'

My boobs are very muscular!

You might be a redneck if you've never paid for a haircut.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.