Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1114

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

You might be a redneck if you have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in 10,000 pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over 14,000 dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"