Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1114
I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.
You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.
The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.
I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
One little boy turned to the kid next to him, and he said, 'I hate you.' And this kid was devastated. He started crying those only tears you can cry as a child. He was saying, 'I don't know why you hate me; I don't know what I have done to make you hate me.' And then softy, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, he said, 'Fuck.' And the first boy heard him and said, 'Hold On. Do you swear?' And he said yes, and they were friends again. Don't tell me swearing it wrong. I have seen it's healing properties.
I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!