Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1197
We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.
You might be a redneck if momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!
My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.
If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.
I started off as a ballerina. I had to quit ballet after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.
Isn't Bush the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, "Now I do four cities in one week" and they tour nonstop. I'm like, "No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month." But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.