Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1197

"The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

You might be a redneck if somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

You might be a redneck if there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.

We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.

You might be a redneck if you've totaled every car you've ever owned.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

You might be a redneck if you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.