Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1197
I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
"I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!"
Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, “Oh, they’re nice.” But if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, “What do they want? Get away from me weirdo.”
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. "Oh I'm gonna be late!" That's fuckin smart: to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets -- "Honey, I love you." FUCK YOU, okay? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. "Every call is crystal clear." Yeah, right: to yourself! You can hear you!
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.
There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.
I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
You might be a redneck if none of your shirts cover your stomach.
Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.
Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.