Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1197
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.
You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.
I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.
I understand if you want to stay home and watch me on YouTube, but it’s like incest - you’re putting convenience over quality.
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?