Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1196

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

NBC - no body cares.

You might be a redneck if when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.

You might be a redneck if the ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.

You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.