Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1196

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

NBC - no body cares.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.