Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1196

People don’t realize that the future is just now, but later.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

I used to temp. I called a temp agency once. They were like, “Do you have any phone skills?”<br /> I was like, “I called you, didn’t I?”