Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1196
If you think the French Riviera is foreign car, you might be a redneck.
Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I'm pretty sure whoever said, "people are wonderful" spent very little time with people.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
I used to temp. I called a temp agency once. They were like, “Do you have any phone skills?”<br /> I was like, “I called you, didn’t I?”
Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.