Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1198

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

You have to just marvel at the stun-gun absurdity of fighting to the death over what happens after you die.

You might be a redneck if you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

I went to Graceland. Go if you never been. Nothing like being ripped off by a dead hillbilly.

If I cut myself shaving, sausage gravy comes out. That’s why I always keep a little pile of biscuits next to the sink.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.

I get intimacy booster shots once a week at my doctor.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

You might be a redneck if your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

You might be a redneck if you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

I used to temp. I called a temp agency once. They were like, “Do you have any phone skills?”<br /> I was like, “I called you, didn’t I?”

I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.

Just once I want to hear a motivational speaker whisper in my ear, "ya know, this is all bullshit right?"