Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1198

I belong to a gym now. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go.

Isn't Bush the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, "Now I do four cities in one week" and they tour nonstop. I'm like, "No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month." But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

My grandmother takes care of herself. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today. We don’t know where the hell she is.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. (woman in audience says “Not buying that”) No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I’m going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what’s described as a 'joke.' Um, I’ll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

You might be a redneck if your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

Nowhere is a great place to start.

Just once I want to hear a motivational speaker whisper in my ear, "ya know, this is all bullshit right?"

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".