Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1198

They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. <br /> [ looks around] I'm fucked.

You might be a redneck if none of your shirts cover your stomach.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

I thrive on imperfection.

I think we all remember that those first months after the attack, this country really was a very different country. I think we were ready to do anything. I think we would have marched into hell behind this guy... I think nobody in a position of leadership, not the Democrats, not the president, asked anyone in this country to rethink or redo anything. The most they asked us to do was to keep the economy going, to shop and go see shows again and travel.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

Mick Jagger fucks young girls for a reason. He can. Believe me, plumbers his age would do the same thing if they could. Men are only as loyal as their options.

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

After you do standup for for, like, five years, you're kind of screwed because you have no other skills. You can't get other jobs. It's like being in prison: you're not suitable for any other career.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!