Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1198

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. (woman in audience says “Not buying that”) No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I’m going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what’s described as a 'joke.' Um, I’ll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

Be kind to one another.

I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.