Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1212
I find that when people laugh it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff. I'm not interested in other people thinking differently. I don't care. I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives".
I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!
The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes!" "I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me."
I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
Did you ever notice how the people who believe in creationism look really unevolved. Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet.<br /> “I believe God created me in one day.”<br /> Looks like he rushed it.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
Have you see the deer heads on the walls of bars? They have the silly party hats on. Sunglasses, streamers around their necks. Those are the ones I really feel sorry for, because obviously they were at a party having a good time…
You might be a redneck if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
I understand if you want to stay home and watch me on YouTube, but it’s like incest - you’re putting convenience over quality.
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.