Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1212
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
If you believe drugs don’t do anything good for us, do me this favor willya. Go home tonight, take all your albums and tapes and burn ‘em. Because the musicians who made all that great music… real fucking high on drugs. Shit, the Beatles were so high they let RIngo sing a couple of tunes.
Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.
Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.