Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1212
He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.
Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think "why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility"?
I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"
Natural child birth means no drugs will be administered into the female’s body during the delivery. The father can have all he wants.
Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
I saw an old woman changing a flat tyre, and I walked right by, like everybody else. Then I thought what kind of person am I? So I went back and said, 'Have a nice day.'
I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'
Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...
I think the best thing to keep in a safe is a note that says “Nice try, asshole."
Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, "Hey dad, wassup ?" He's thinking, "Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine." Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, "Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh."