Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1212

God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I think the idea of fucking someone who just watched you perform is... it's just not me.

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.