Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1213

I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

You might be a redneck if your masseuse uses lard.

[With reference to a 'how to date' book] Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!"

"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.