Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1213
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Like most Catholic boys, I wanted to be Jesus Christ. I could never get the turn-the-other-cheek thing down, though.
Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, "Hey dad, wassup ?" He's thinking, "Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine." Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, "Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh."
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Originally we were going to title it The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off, but it was too long.
I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
[With reference to a 'how to date' book] Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
I cannot believe they haven't yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, "Put that thing there so I can crush it.
If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams