Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1213

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

You might be a redneck if the ASPCA raids your kitchen.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You might be a redneck if your masseuse uses lard.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

"You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

Why couldn't, uh, why couldn't have Rush Limbaugh croaked from it instead of Heath Ledger?

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."