Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1213
I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.
Per capita - just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.
It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!
Girls in Los Angeles like to say, “I’m not relgious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.”