Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1211
I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
You might be a redneck if you just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.
I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.
I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.