Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1211

It's just a big excuse to say awful things.

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

You might be a redneck if you gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Have you see the deer heads on the walls of bars? They have the silly party hats on. Sunglasses, streamers around their necks. Those are the ones I really feel sorry for, because obviously they were at a party having a good time…

You might be a redneck if you smoked during your wedding.

You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.