Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1211
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.
Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport.
You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.