Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1211
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.
I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is "Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too."
I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." Fuck that! Get well *now*!
I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.
I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.
Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.
I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.