Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 147
You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.
If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would it still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?
Health clubs aren't healthy. In New York City, which has the most stairs of anywhere in the country, people pay money to go to a health club and use a stair master. When you live in a city, that has nothing but stairs and you pay money to use special stairs, that is not healthy behavior. It's fucking psychotic!
Kids who are the product of old sperm are not right. The fresher the mayo, the better the sandwich. That is a very simple formula.
Challenge yourself with something you know you could never do, and what you’ll find is that you can overcome anything son.
I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you’re doing a trick, I’m easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I’m quite certain you’re a wizard. But I don’t like the way most magicians don’t act like they’re magical; they act like show business dicks.
I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is "If it feels good - stop."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."