Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 147

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

When you wear so many hats in society, you never know who you are. That's the beauty of it. Because once you find out who you are, you're screwed.

I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.

Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn’t find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.

I like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it's a top CIA secret. They'll hand me my drink, and I'll go, 'Man, what the hell is in this?' 'Dude, don't worry. Don't ask, just drink it. I'll see you in 20 minutes.' Next thing you know, I'm buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat.

You know you’re black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.

Whenever you see riot footage on TV - you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle - you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the aggression out of the act.

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

You don't know who you messing with man, I slap people for fun. That's what I do man! You wanna play rough, huh, I kill for fun!

Of course, everybody's family is dysfunctional - we've accepted that. What are we supposed to do? Hate our parents for the rest of our lives?

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

I went to the gas station the other day, and the gas station attendant said he was a former porno movie star. And I think he was serious because half through filling the tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.