Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 147
Inside the Pop-Tarts Box there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, “Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale.” Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, “Well hell, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box.” I eat the last two just to tidy up, really.
Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.
You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!
Everyone always says, "Does it bother you that Italians are always portrayed as Mafia characters?" No, it doesn't bother me. First of all, not everybody in my family is in the Mafia. I have one uncle who's clean.
Our country is founded on a sham: our forefathers were slave-owning rich white guys who wanted it their way. So when I see the American flag, I go, "Oh my God, you're insulting me." That you can have a gay parade on Christopher Street in New York, with naked men and women on a float cheering, 'We're here, we're queer!" - that's what makes my heart swell. Not the flag, but a gay naked man or woman burning the flag. I get choked up with pride.
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
There are people who believe that humans dinosaurs co-existed, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone-cold-fuck nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary.
The straw is a great invention. You can drink without using your wrists. The straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to pull the straw aside and be like “What the hell do you think you’re doing? The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth. What are you doing on the other side of the glass? I don’t need you; you’re a luxury."
My aunt used to say, slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.
Mitt Romney wants the Latino vote. He ain't going to get it. He ain't going to get it. And you know why? Because Mitt Romney is a fucking Latino and he won't admit it. His father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Mitt Romney is a Chicano. But he won’t admit it. “I am not. I am Danish. I am French.”
The four sweetest words in the English language - "You wore me down".
I used to have a theory that I took almost through all the presidencies. And it was that you're either - it's like the Three Stooges. You're either a Moe, who's in charge, or a Larry, who wants to be a Moe, or you're Curly, who is nuts and totally just off the page.