Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 148
Actually it broke my heart to hear that we were going to have to part ways, ... It's a business and they had to do what they had to do.
Everyone always says, "Does it bother you that Italians are always portrayed as Mafia characters?" No, it doesn't bother me. First of all, not everybody in my family is in the Mafia. I have one uncle who's clean.
I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.
The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, "You know what? Let's just grab lunch."
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.
Like I’ll never forget the last time, we played that game, she was like Anthony. If you could have lunch with anyone in the world living or dead who would it be. And I said I don’t know, Caligula and she was really Caligula, that’s your answer, that’s what you’re going to say to me your girlfriend: are you sure, I said I am sorry baby, let me change that, I’d have lunch with you and you’d be dead.
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
You must not be afraid of small bits of silence. To use it well is the height of confidence and skill for a comedian. It increases the tension in a good way and adds contrast like a curveball complements the fastball of a good pitcher.
The true Axis of Evil in America is the genius of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.
The straw is a great invention. You can drink without using your wrists. The straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to pull the straw aside and be like “What the hell do you think you’re doing? The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth. What are you doing on the other side of the glass? I don’t need you; you’re a luxury."
One plus one equals three. When a man and woman marry they become one never two.