Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 148
I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.
I realized my penis is like a retarded little brother. It means well, but ultimately it's driven by curiosity and the need to be hugged.
I love Chicago. I got on a bus and asked the driver, "Do you go to the Loop?" He said, "No, I go beep-beep!"
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?
If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
If I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill them. Apparently, somebody told my son there’s a wiener thief out there, and if he takes his hand off it, Wssh! They’re gonna snatch it away!
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, "You know what? Let's just grab lunch."
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."
Kids who are the product of old sperm are not right. The fresher the mayo, the better the sandwich. That is a very simple formula.
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.