Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 148
If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!
Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, "You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change."
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
There are people who believe that humans dinosaurs co-existed, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone-cold-fuck nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary.
Marriage itself is an antiquated institution, it has no place in a progressive society.
The four sweetest words in the English language - "You wore me down".
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and yelling, "You want a piece of me?"
Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.
First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.
You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on top of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet and you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up! Now that'd be a sport for ya!
The first time I got to second base, I was driving and my friend was in the backseat getting tit. I considered that scoring - the rearview mirror was just a technicality. I didn't have sex until college - and even then, it's not like the floodgates opened. When I finally had a girlfriend, she ended up scoring with the goalie of the lacrosse team, so that didn't work out.
Serbia? Isn’t that the place that Clinton bombed because he stuck that cigar in that girl’s twat?
A lot of young people make the mistake of going into comedy just because it's a lucrative business, as opposed to earlier, even Steven and I, we were in 'Second City,' we never... thought of going beyond 'Second City' in Chicago.
I realized my penis is like a retarded little brother. It means well, but ultimately it's driven by curiosity and the need to be hugged.