Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 146
Throughout my life, I've been gratified that I've been able to keep the child in me alive and inspire others.
My aunt used to say, slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
You must not be afraid of small bits of silence. To use it well is the height of confidence and skill for a comedian. It increases the tension in a good way and adds contrast like a curveball complements the fastball of a good pitcher.
My buddies, we've always just tried to make each other laugh. I mean, just like all friends hanging out - that's the goal.
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?
I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey - why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'