Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 146
As women well know, the reason men are no good at playing dumb is most of the time we're not playing.
I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey - why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped.
How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating? Do they dust for prints?
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
Marriage itself is an antiquated institution, it has no place in a progressive society.
All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?
I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you’re doing a trick, I’m easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I’m quite certain you’re a wizard. But I don’t like the way most magicians don’t act like they’re magical; they act like show business dicks.
All he ever talked about was threesomes. He's all like, 'Chelsea, you're really gonna like it. It's really popular in Europe.' I'm like, 'So is David Hasselhoff.'