Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 146

Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

When he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' And then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' And I was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'

Challenge yourself with something you know you could never do, and what you’ll find is that you can overcome anything son.

First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.

Actually it broke my heart to hear that we were going to have to part ways, ... It's a business and they had to do what they had to do.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.

In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come to Canada and I find out I'm an Eskimo.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

Marriage itself is an antiquated institution, it has no place in a progressive society.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is "If it feels good - stop."