Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 146
Pure entertainment is not an egotistical lady singing boring songs onstage for two hours and people in tuxes clapping whether they like it or not. It's the real performers on the street who can hold people's attention and keep them from walking away.
Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.
Throughout my life, I've been gratified that I've been able to keep the child in me alive and inspire others.
Like I’ll never forget the last time, we played that game, she was like Anthony. If you could have lunch with anyone in the world living or dead who would it be. And I said I don’t know, Caligula and she was really Caligula, that’s your answer, that’s what you’re going to say to me your girlfriend: are you sure, I said I am sorry baby, let me change that, I’d have lunch with you and you’d be dead.
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.
Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped.
You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come to Canada and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey - why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.