Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 146
The true Axis of Evil in America is the genius of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
I realized my penis is like a retarded little brother. It means well, but ultimately it's driven by curiosity and the need to be hugged.
I love Chicago. I got on a bus and asked the driver, "Do you go to the Loop?" He said, "No, I go beep-beep!"
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped.
I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
They ain’t curing AIDS. They ain’t never curing AIDS. They ain’t never curing AIDS. Don’t even think about that shit. There ain’t no money in the cure. The money’s in the medicine. That’s how you get paid. On the comeback. That’s how a drug dealer makes his money. On the comeback. That’s all the government is. A bunch of motherfucking drug dealers. On the comeback. They ain’t curing no AIDS.
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
Pure entertainment is not an egotistical lady singing boring songs onstage for two hours and people in tuxes clapping whether they like it or not. It's the real performers on the street who can hold people's attention and keep them from walking away.
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
When he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' And then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' And I was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'