Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 178
There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented.
That's a very white attitude. You can take a white guy to Africa, and he'd be like, 'Look at all the minorities they got over here. Jesus!'
Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the "S" stands for "suckers."
Being a lawyer in New York sucks because you're working eighty, sometimes a hundred hours a week.
Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English!
They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'
My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, "Look I got to level with you. I met another kid."
I was worried about the ground, and while I thought it was quicker than ideal, there was no jar.
You should have a value system. You can win if you stick with your value system.
The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.
What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.
Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, "Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need - and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before - some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie."