Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 178
And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree... Full of Asian porn.
They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'
A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.
Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.
As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.
India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons. How did they get nuclear weapons? Those are dirt poor countries. Their armies don't even have matching uniforms. They go to war, they've got to call each other up, 'Wear something tough looking.'
Last week, the city of Detroit filed for bankrupty, it became obvious that Detorit was in trouble when it offered to suck chicago’s dick.
Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give. You're fuckin' up tha rotation.
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, "Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?"
Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.
I think all the knowledge and all the travels that I've done, I'm going to do a lot of great work in the future.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.