Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 179

I grew up in New York in a neighbourhood called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto, it's a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don't know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. "Tweet, tweet sucker. Give me a quarter."

The Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes.

I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved.

I'm still trying to understand the wearing off high heels at the airport.

Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.

I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.

I went to University of Illinois. Big school. 35,000 students. 800 black… I was the only black in every class. Hard to be absent.

I tell people that stand-up's like golf: you gotta do it every day to get it down - or at least three times a week to get it down.

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

I think racists know at this point that they've probably got to keep their ideas to themselves unless they're at one of those Klan meetings. You know bunch of douchebags sitting around with a fucking comforter thrown over your face, just fucking getting all sweaty under there, your face breaking out. You know? Whats wrong with those people?

I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: Road Closed. What do you mean there's a blasting zone, what am I supposed to do, 'Hey, ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're... Oh! We're getting close! Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one - we lost Billy?

One of my sisters wanted to be an opera singer. So, we spent a few dollars to try to train her, because Italian people would like to have an opera singer in the family. But she's got trouble coughing, let alone singing. One day, she was in the shower singing 'Madame Butterfly,' three days later the Japs attacked Pearl Harbor.

What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, "I'm coming into Reagan!"