Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 179
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently.
I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.'
There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented.
There’s too much porn on the internet. That’s why I’m downloading all of it.
Dolly Parton, who said to Mrs. Olson, "Yes, they're mountain-grown." Never got a dinner!
I'm still trying to understand the wearing off high heels at the airport.
As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.
This country is just that great that the opportunities are there for a Hispanic president, a black president or any other race for a president, yes.
Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give. You're fuckin' up tha rotation.
They always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right? Right, if you have a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. We got like scrunchies and banana clips coming out of nowhere. Hairspray. "Good. Good. Good." Front row seats. "I like that with the lips, the thing you're doing with the lips is good."
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, "Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?"
Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, "Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need - and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before - some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie."