Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 179

There’s too much porn on the internet. That’s why I’m downloading all of it.

As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."

I had that game Operation. Big naked white guy... He had no pee pee at all. He was like that guy from the movie Silence of the Lambs remember he tucked it in... "Put the lotion in the basket..." I use to do it I'd come out of my girlfriend's bathroom and go look I'm just like you! I was always afraid that one time she'd be like "Oh yeah! I'm just like you!"

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

I was worried about the ground, and while I thought it was quicker than ideal, there was no jar.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

I used to be an airplane mechanic until they started drug testing. That's when I knew it was time to let that one go. And people ask me about that; they're like, 'Is that true man? Did you really do drugs?' 'Yeah.' 'Why would you do drugs?' 'They work.'

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

When it comes to my wife and blowjobs, my dick’s in the Witness Protection Program. “Dick? I don’t know nobody named Dick.”

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

If you're not happy before you're successful, you're going to be miserable when you do become successful because all your problems just get magnified.