Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 179

I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there's one a few miles away from here...

If you're not happy before you're successful, you're going to be miserable when you do become successful because all your problems just get magnified.

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

I grew up in New York in a neighbourhood called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto, it's a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don't know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. "Tweet, tweet sucker. Give me a quarter."

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

I think racists know at this point that they've probably got to keep their ideas to themselves unless they're at one of those Klan meetings. You know bunch of douchebags sitting around with a fucking comforter thrown over your face, just fucking getting all sweaty under there, your face breaking out. You know? Whats wrong with those people?

I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

You can’t wait forever for an audience to get the joke, but you should give them at least two seconds to join in before you go on to the next one.

I'm still trying to understand the wearing off high heels at the airport.

And I come from a small Vietnamese family. We’re really close too, all ten of us.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.