Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 179

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.

Donald Trump celebrated a birthday last week, when asked how it feels to be 61, Trump said, "Rosie's a fat loser ... she's ugly on the inside".

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

My girlfriend, you know, she’s crazy. She’s a woman, and women are crazy. She hates it when I say the c-word. It’s so stupid… We’ll be watching, like, Spongebob or something, and I’ll be like, ‘c-word’ and she’ll be like, ‘His name is Squidward you dump cunt, now get out of my house.’

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!

I was at my parents' house all day - because I live there.

I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there's one a few miles away from here...

Everything beeps now.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.