Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 177
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?
If we do have any iPhone users out there, I have incredibly great news for you. I've developed after about six months and finally perfected and it'll be out on the market soon, an app that you'll all want. It allows you to make a phone call.
I went to University of Illinois. Big school. 35,000 students. 800 black… I was the only black in every class. Hard to be absent.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.
I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved.
I would have let a lot of people out of prison. I would start scaling back, I'd fire lots whole branches of government. I would bring troops back from every corner of the world. Politics is fucked beyond parties. With flat-form issues, people should be figuring shit out for themselves. I think I'd make a better terrorist than a president. I'm putting all my motivation into the wrong avenue.
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What’s the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.
My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, "Look I got to level with you. I met another kid."