Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 177

I’ve been on a cruise ship that’s crashed. The captain comes on, “I want you to know that the ship is taking on a little water.” You mean we’re sinking. A guy bringing on a case of Evian, that’s taking on a little water.

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym!

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, "I don't think he knows where he's going."

I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved.

Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English!

New York has always been a sense of eclectic kind of freedom and expression on a lot of different levels.

Nothing will rob you of what little testosterone you do have like crawling into a bed with a chihuahua. As a guy you could be wearing a Hello Kitty backpack, carrying dandelions and licking a penis-shaped lollipop and that, my friends, would be one third as gay as waking up in the morning to find you and a chihuahua are spooning.

Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

There's no math equation that equals ratings or demographics or even takes into consideration "The Man Show". What the fuck is "The Man Show" audience? You either go up there and connect, or you go up there and you don't connect.

I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.

A lot of these kids have no fathers, and they want to be gangsters. They don't believe in God and have no faith in anything but their own instincts. Boxing provides a way for them to express themselves in a positive way, and I'm happy to be able to help them.