Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 226
How do you find what's going to make everybody have this strange reaction in their bodies, this response that's sort of chemical and physical all at once - this noise and emotion that changes how you sit? A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.
From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.
Once my sister busted a nut watching a headliner I worked with. He closed his set by miming the insertion of a tampon up his asshole. I don't recall the exact joke. After his set my sister made a beeline for him, running roughshod over the other more delicate comedy groupies. She gushed about his tampon bit and then told him he should get an actual tampon and really stick it up there. And then she laughed like crazy. I thought it was a good note.
You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.
Teachers have a chance to mold someone, inspire them. I hope all teachers realize that.
Your relationship with an agent has got to be mutually beneficial. If you can't help their careers, then they're not going to be interested.
I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like P O. We couldn't afford O R. That's how Po we were… I remember nights we didn't eat. We had sleep for dinner.
The world's gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president, but he's half white. We claimed our half; y'all get yours. There's some for everybody. He's got some for everybody.
In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
Save yer breath! That's just another long list of lies perpetrated by The Man to keep a brutha down!
Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!
Man, I’m having a good time man, I found out something recently, I wanna share with you all. Do you know if you have a new baby, you can’t bring your own baby home unless you have a car seat, do you know that? It is a law that you need a car seat to bring your baby home. Question is, how we get home? There were no car seat when I was a baby. I’m going to tell you that right now, my momma would drive with the baby, smoking Newport, hitting the brakes, oh, there go the baby. Oh my baby, I know, it made me mess up my cigarette, this is crazy.