Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 226
Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.
Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.
Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?
So it took me five years because in the interim I have been doing a lot of personal appearances and movies and some television series that went into the plumbing and I stopped writing for a while.
Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.
Man, I’m having a good time man, I found out something recently, I wanna share with you all. Do you know if you have a new baby, you can’t bring your own baby home unless you have a car seat, do you know that? It is a law that you need a car seat to bring your baby home. Question is, how we get home? There were no car seat when I was a baby. I’m going to tell you that right now, my momma would drive with the baby, smoking Newport, hitting the brakes, oh, there go the baby. Oh my baby, I know, it made me mess up my cigarette, this is crazy.
Maybe it's instinctual to be monogamous; but if you know you are going to fuck her sister, maybe you should not be monogamous right yet.
If they played the world hunger commercials with some dope beats, they'd probably get mad donations son!
There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.