Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 226
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know when I failed eight other students around me failed too.
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
I am completely and utterly hooked to all the great shows on A&E and Court TV that are about small town murder. These shows like "Forensic Files", "City Confidential", I just can't get enough of them. It's always the same sort of deal. You know that they interview the actual people that lived through the experience. I miss Paul Winfield as the host of "City Confidential", may he rest in peace.
Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.
I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, "Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes." He said, "You're crazy!" I said, "Write it down!"
Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.
They’ve come to kill us! And take our women! And our precious metals!