Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 225

Once my sister busted a nut watching a headliner I worked with. He closed his set by miming the insertion of a tampon up his asshole. I don't recall the exact joke. After his set my sister made a beeline for him, running roughshod over the other more delicate comedy groupies. She gushed about his tampon bit and then told him he should get an actual tampon and really stick it up there. And then she laughed like crazy. I thought it was a good note.

Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.

'I was in heaven and I was in hell, believe in neither but fear them as well'... damn! Were you really in heaven and were you in hell? Here on earth or did you visit another land? This fucking jerk off…

I'm always alone. Sad face emoticon.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call: “You shoulda hung out man!” “What happened?!” “Ohhh! 10 minutes after you left.” It’s always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons. And every type of fun imaginable. “10 minutes after you left, the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 tee-shirt got a hand job. And it’s never gonna happen again. After I heard that I started to cry; mostly cause I sat on my balls.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.

If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?

I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like P O. We couldn't afford O R. That's how Po we were… I remember nights we didn't eat. We had sleep for dinner.

Let me tell you something ass-eyes, let me tell you all something: war has made me very paranoid! and when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.