Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 225
Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".
I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.
Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.
The worst thing that can happen to a comedian is to do a documentary on your life and you're watching it with an audience and there's not a laugh.
Water parks provide a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and then soak in their pee.
When I was a boy, we had forty five statues of saints in my house. Ever have ninety eyes looking at you every time you have to go to the bathroom?
If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.
More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one, and then another one, and then another one.
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.