Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 225

When they made 90210, there were people outside of Beverly Hills who went, Oooooh! But you don't go Oooooh! when you're in there. You're worried about passing the Spanish test.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish.

When Mrs. Clinton ran for office, she promised economic growth across New York state, to bring in more than 200,000 jobs, ... She has not. We have lost jobs to outsourcing and globalization and to sending our jobs and industries to foreign countries.

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.

These particles can damage the cells in the lining of our lungs and produce lung cancer.

You ever see people breath be so bad you can see the words coming out of their mouth? You be standing there talking - 'Yeah, I can see what you're talking about.'

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?

I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!

They had a sign up: the lobsters were flown in. How cruel is that? Think about that - let's say you're a lobster, you've never been on an airplane before - what else can you think, but you've won the lobster sweepstakes?

"Dude, I heard a car!" And I said uh... yeah, the world's full of them. You'll hear lots of them for the rest of your life. If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird. Tell me that shit, then I'll stop.