Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 225
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.
When I was a boy, we had forty five statues of saints in my house. Ever have ninety eyes looking at you every time you have to go to the bathroom?
Save yer breath! That's just another long list of lies perpetrated by The Man to keep a brutha down!
These particles can damage the cells in the lining of our lungs and produce lung cancer.
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
Who is more irrational? A man who believes in a God he doesn't see, or a man who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like P O. We couldn't afford O R. That's how Po we were… I remember nights we didn't eat. We had sleep for dinner.
Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!
Man, I’m having a good time man, I found out something recently, I wanna share with you all. Do you know if you have a new baby, you can’t bring your own baby home unless you have a car seat, do you know that? It is a law that you need a car seat to bring your baby home. Question is, how we get home? There were no car seat when I was a baby. I’m going to tell you that right now, my momma would drive with the baby, smoking Newport, hitting the brakes, oh, there go the baby. Oh my baby, I know, it made me mess up my cigarette, this is crazy.
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.