Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 225
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.
They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, "pick up the ball!" That's what you're thinking.
You know what offends me? Offended people. In a country with guaranteed rights to freedom of religion, its citizens are constantly trying to make faith in public spheres illegal, I am offended by that contradiction and want to talk about it as a comic.
Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual. Once I have sex with you - bye!
When I was a boy, we had forty five statues of saints in my house. Ever have ninety eyes looking at you every time you have to go to the bathroom?
When I got to stand-up, having seen Lenny Bruce when I was 17 or 18, I didn’t laugh at all at what he did, but I could not get over the storytelling aspect. They were concepts that challenged you.
Every time a friend of mine has a kid I go over to the crib and say, "You know, I used to hold your father’s head while he threw up."
Heavy chicks love pointing out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. Yeah, but she was also a huge slut who blew the president.
In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First.
Now, I want to explain something to you guys. I don't have an ending joke, because I don't tell jokes. I tell real-life stories and make them funny. So, I'm not like the average comedian. They have an ending joke; they always holler "Peace! I'm out of here," and walk off stage. So, basically, when I get through performing on stage, I just walk off.
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.