Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 225

If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?

Once my sister busted a nut watching a headliner I worked with. He closed his set by miming the insertion of a tampon up his asshole. I don't recall the exact joke. After his set my sister made a beeline for him, running roughshod over the other more delicate comedy groupies. She gushed about his tampon bit and then told him he should get an actual tampon and really stick it up there. And then she laughed like crazy. I thought it was a good note.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."

Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.

I was in the De Witt Clinton Hight School marching band. One of the worst bands ever formed. When we played the national anthem, people from every country stood – except Americans.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!

If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.