Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 225
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.
I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
I think it go serious in college when I found out I really enjoyed making people laugh. It makes me happy. I said, "I wanna be a comedian, I wanna get good.' You're not good in the beginning. You're still trying to figure out what the things are that you are going to talk about, what your angle is going to be and there's a lot of trial and error. I just never gave up and that was the beginning of my career. Just experimenting, trying it out and falling in love with it.
Who is more irrational? A man who believes in a God he doesn't see, or a man who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?
I don't really dissect comedy. Nothing kills off humor more than overanalyzing it.
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.
I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!
Yeah, I had to wear a speedo! And I must have weighed like a buck thirty, lookin' like I was in dire need of a serious turkey dinner. I went out on a limb. I was not Mr. Sexy at all - I was very skinny and boney.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.