Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 227
Once my sister busted a nut watching a headliner I worked with. He closed his set by miming the insertion of a tampon up his asshole. I don't recall the exact joke. After his set my sister made a beeline for him, running roughshod over the other more delicate comedy groupies. She gushed about his tampon bit and then told him he should get an actual tampon and really stick it up there. And then she laughed like crazy. I thought it was a good note.
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
These particles can damage the cells in the lining of our lungs and produce lung cancer.
When they made 90210, there were people outside of Beverly Hills who went, Oooooh! But you don't go Oooooh! when you're in there. You're worried about passing the Spanish test.
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass... but you just pushed my jackass button.
The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.
They’ve come to kill us! And take our women! And our precious metals!
I’d like to help other comedians and when I get a little older I’d like to open up a nice comedy club that is straight classy, with a straight restaurant and a chef. The whole thing, red carpet, and treating people nice, for people to come back and have a good time. That’s the kind of comedy club I want to open up.