Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 227
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
I'm glad them fucking holidays is over. "Don't drink and drive." Motherfucker, how am I going to get home?
I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.
You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.
If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.
There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!