Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 227
I must end it. There is no hope. I will be at peace. No one had anything to do with it. My decision totally.
Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
Those are adult magazines. Anybody can own them. It doesn't prove the charge.
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.
Homeland security is a problem... Because, it's a good idea, but it's a problem, because the man who runs it is Tom Ridge. And he is someone who has the leadership qualities of... a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with what is the color coding system of security. You know, orange and yellow, and whatever the fuck the others are. OK? And what's stupid about it is they had it color-coded, like we're in fucking elementary school! There's no need for that! Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to fucking explain it, so get rid of the fucking color! Simplify it; there should be three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, fuck me!
Once my sister busted a nut watching a headliner I worked with. He closed his set by miming the insertion of a tampon up his asshole. I don't recall the exact joke. After his set my sister made a beeline for him, running roughshod over the other more delicate comedy groupies. She gushed about his tampon bit and then told him he should get an actual tampon and really stick it up there. And then she laughed like crazy. I thought it was a good note.
A little Everclear punch. We had Everclear punch. Everclear is like 3000 proof grain alcohol. Illegal in 44 states. Makes a nice little mixer. Put it with Hawaiian Punch you got a nice little cordial. Girls are like, I can't even taste it. We know.
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.
I say, when you tell the truth, you never offend nobody, particularly if you do it with dignity.
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.