Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 227
I'm glad them fucking holidays is over. "Don't drink and drive." Motherfucker, how am I going to get home?
I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.
From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.
I put a basketball in front of George Clooney's door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out.
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
Those are adult magazines. Anybody can own them. It doesn't prove the charge.
I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.
People might say, "What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them." Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.
Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell.
What we want to do is raise the bare minimum amount that will give us a large enough microphone to effectively convey our message. Unfortunately, $20 million is critical mass in terms of running an effective campaign in New York.