Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 231

Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?

Vietnam, we take over by doing pedicure! That's how we take over. We take over one foot at a time, damn it - that's the plan of attack right there. We take over from the toe up, that's the plan. We spread over USA like fungus from the toe.

Yeah, I had to wear a speedo! And I must have weighed like a buck thirty, lookin' like I was in dire need of a serious turkey dinner. I went out on a limb. I was not Mr. Sexy at all - I was very skinny and boney.

I don't know that I can define fear. But one of the sources of fear is holding up some sort of model life that doesn't exist and feeling like you're far away from it.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!

You release these things, and if they fly then you have more.

I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.

See what we have here is a failure to communicate.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”

Comedy can be, especially in a writer's room, really aggressive, kind of a very male-dominated room, and it would be hard for women. It's not a nurturing place. It's not like a lot of women are going to say, I can't wait to live that lifestyle and be in a writer's room until 2 or 3 a.m.

What is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watch a stag movie than a clean movie like King of Kings. Why? Because King of Kings is full of killing and I don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back.

The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.

College is great. It’s the only time in life where you can write a check for 39 cents... and bounce it.

Water parks provide a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and then soak in their pee.