Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 231
Bombing teaches you how badly you want to become a comedian. Because unless it’s a burning desire, you’ll quit when the consistent bombing becomes too much to take.
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
Suicide Bombing there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang the worlds a wanker short. Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor. "Right lads I'm only going to show you this once". Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you going to shag them when you're now flying mince? There's all different numbers there's 17 virgins there's 20 virgins there's 40 virgins but my favourite was 53. That was proof to me there's a committee involved some where. 53 fucking virgins . The very thought of 53 fucking virgins ... It's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present it's not a fucking prise! That's a punishment! Give me 2 fire breathing whores any day of the week.
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell.
If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?
There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.
50 Cent is a hero to me because he's overcome so many things. He's been shot nine times and lived. I had a cousin got shot once in the ankle. Dead. I had to go to the funeral. I was mad. "Man, you ain't hard! You ain't hard!"
When I started, you didn't make a lot of money by being a comedian. You didn't get a lot of respect.