Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 231
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate.
You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call: “You shoulda hung out man!” “What happened?!” “Ohhh! 10 minutes after you left.” It’s always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons. And every type of fun imaginable. “10 minutes after you left, the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 tee-shirt got a hand job. And it’s never gonna happen again. After I heard that I started to cry; mostly cause I sat on my balls.
Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".
As the fly said while landing on the mirrored coffee table. Well... That's another way of looking at it.
Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the real job.
Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.
When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.
Who is more irrational? A man who believes in a God he doesn't see, or a man who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.
A kiss is not a contract, but its very nice. Just because you've been exploring my mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition for the south.
You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.