Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 231

You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

What we want to do is raise the bare minimum amount that will give us a large enough microphone to effectively convey our message. Unfortunately, $20 million is critical mass in terms of running an effective campaign in New York.

I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate.

Vietnam, we take over by doing pedicure! That's how we take over. We take over one foot at a time, damn it - that's the plan of attack right there. We take over from the toe up, that's the plan. We spread over USA like fungus from the toe.

There’s so many board games with so many different titles, but I feel like they could all have the same title: ‘Which One Of My Friends Is A Competitive Prick?’

The distance between taking social action and having the knowledge is as wide as the mouth of the Mississippi.

If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober...

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I think politics in general are just like a popularity contest but McCain is just… old.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time, sometimes it has its own lawyer. Everything affects it: kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it.

Shot down by a twenty-two year old waitress in breakaway panties!

Wow. That's a good question. Is "I don't know" an acceptable answer?

Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell.