Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 232
The blessing is that everyone knows who I am because of the commercials.
I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!
I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.
I've been to jail, but I do little stuff for little time. I go to jail for stuff like eating in the supermarket. Don't laugh - all of us do this stuff. I'm the only brother who got caught.
Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea... thank you whiskey dick thank you!
Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?
To make boxing training more exciting my trainer dresses as a ninja and yells, 'Ive never felt pain like this!! Who is this human!?'
To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it.
I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
We get up early Sunday morning, and we have cereal and orange juice and we make crank calls.