Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 232

Why do you believe it and what's your motivation for believing in it? I don't even believe in the shit I say for a full 24 hours. I would love to have a consistent viewpoint of my own. It would be nice to have that solid, stiff head that said, 'Well, I'm a Democrat and that's because I believe, and my parents believe, that we should have some kind of social safety net.' They don't ever look at the flaws: you get her pregnant, you marry her. That's just what you do. I'd love to have that shallow, unquestioned belief.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.

Yeah, I had to wear a speedo! And I must have weighed like a buck thirty, lookin' like I was in dire need of a serious turkey dinner. I went out on a limb. I was not Mr. Sexy at all - I was very skinny and boney.

I've been to jail, but I do little stuff for little time. I go to jail for stuff like eating in the supermarket. Don't laugh - all of us do this stuff. I'm the only brother who got caught.

Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"

When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.

Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.