Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 232
I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.
I learned that money's not happiness. The more famous I am and the more money I make, the closer I stay to my family and friends that I've known since junior high school. True happiness to me is the connection with fellow human beings I've known for a long time.
People don't let politicians kiss your babies. Those lips have been on lobbyist asses for years now.
Everything runs its course. We had told a lot of stories that happened in our life. My kid was getting older, and we were running out of stories to tell.
The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.
Makes no matter if I'm performing in a grocery store, you're always gonna get 150%.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
On the weekends, I would go down and play these clubs in Key West or West Palm Beach or surrounding areas of Florida and then I'd go back to school for the week.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.
Peter Hyams - and these are his words, it sounds a little self-serving, sharing them from me - his suggestion was that Gabriel and I could lend a credibility, acting-wise, to an otherwise big, sloppy studio action film.
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass... but you just pushed my jackass button.