Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 232
I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.
I was brought up in a whorehouse in Peoria. My mother and father lived there and worked there.
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?
Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book.
I like the humor to come out of character. When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.
After 34 years, I feel like I did when I was starting out. I feel excited and feel I've never been better doing what I do.
Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.
Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'
As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... ‘The Thing That Shouldn’t Be’. ‘The Chair That Wasn’t There’, you know?
I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.
I'm on top of a moving train, and it's on fire. I'm fucking some girl, and Megan Fox is there, but I'm not having sex with her. She's like, 'Why am I even here?' And I'm like, 'To prove a point. Not everybody wants to fuck you, Megan Fox.'
Pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind. It really is. It's what gets shit built. [reacting to applause from the audience]: I'm not 'yeah' for pussy. This is a flaw in the system, don't clap for it! [I'm] saying, they know that is a catalyst, and that's why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy. And they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the 'federally allocated recommended daily allowance of pussy'. "Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?! Whore! Shun your natural instinct, whore, or nothing'll get built." — It comes down to production, it really does. They have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot, something that's hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill, building more shit, sending out more boxes to the dollar store, pointless shit that no one needs. — That's why cocaine is illegal: it makes pussy too easy to get.