Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 232
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.
Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?
To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it.
I put a basketball in front of George Clooney's door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out.
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.
The distance between taking social action and having the knowledge is as wide as the mouth of the Mississippi.
Shot down by a twenty-two year old waitress in breakaway panties!
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
People might say, "What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them." Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?
I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.