Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 232
I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.
College is great. It’s the only time in life where you can write a check for 39 cents... and bounce it.
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.
To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it.
I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!
My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
Yeah, I had to wear a speedo! And I must have weighed like a buck thirty, lookin' like I was in dire need of a serious turkey dinner. I went out on a limb. I was not Mr. Sexy at all - I was very skinny and boney.
Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?
People always want to put a label on you; they always want to compare you to something.
It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?
I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.
When Mrs. Clinton ran for office, she promised economic growth across New York state, to bring in more than 200,000 jobs, ... She has not. We have lost jobs to outsourcing and globalization and to sending our jobs and industries to foreign countries.