Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 232

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

Let me tell you something ass-eyes, let me tell you all something: war has made me very paranoid! and when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.

A lot of directors, they're creative, but they're different.

It is my belief that Latinos in show business have to be self sufficient and creative while aggressively attempting to penetrate post-mogul Hollywood. Self- starting is becoming the path to serious studio support.

We get up early Sunday morning, and we have cereal and orange juice and we make crank calls.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?

Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again."

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.

Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."