Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 232
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate.
It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.
I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
When I started, you didn't make a lot of money by being a comedian. You didn't get a lot of respect.
They’ve come to kill us! And take our women! And our precious metals!
As the fly said while landing on the mirrored coffee table. Well... That's another way of looking at it.
Save yer breath! That's just another long list of lies perpetrated by The Man to keep a brutha down!
I sang a song at my sister's wedding. My mother forced me into that, too. But that one felt all right.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.
I was visiting my parents, and I walked into a room where my father was watching a Peter Falk movie on TV... I think it was 'The Cheap Detective.' Anyway, my father was belly-laughing, and he never really did that. I thought, 'If Peter Falk can make my dad laugh, then I'm going to come up with a movie in which Peter Falk plays my father.'
It's only a joke and the duck didn't really die, and you conservationists are probably all pure vegetarians and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're worried...I hope a butterfly flies up your nose you choke to death!
We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.