Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 230
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
I’d like to help other comedians and when I get a little older I’d like to open up a nice comedy club that is straight classy, with a straight restaurant and a chef. The whole thing, red carpet, and treating people nice, for people to come back and have a good time. That’s the kind of comedy club I want to open up.
I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.
College is great. It’s the only time in life where you can write a check for 39 cents... and bounce it.
The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. “What part of Mexico are your ancestors from?” Los Angeles, bitch!
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.
My son developed this really bad habit. He would come to my side of the bed and he’d get that close to my face. And just stare at me. You ever get that feeling when you know you’re being watched? He’s be like: “Dad… Dad… Da-” “What? What? What?” He starts crying. My wife goes, “You scared him!” I’m like, “Hell, he scared me! Jesus, put a bell round his neck!”
People always want to put a label on you; they always want to compare you to something.
On the weekends, I would go down and play these clubs in Key West or West Palm Beach or surrounding areas of Florida and then I'd go back to school for the week.
The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.
I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!