Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 230
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
A little Everclear punch. We had Everclear punch. Everclear is like 3000 proof grain alcohol. Illegal in 44 states. Makes a nice little mixer. Put it with Hawaiian Punch you got a nice little cordial. Girls are like, I can't even taste it. We know.
I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. "Hey, enjoy your meal." "You, too. But you don’t have one, do ya? I’m a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity." That’s all I’m trying to say.
I'm glad them fucking holidays is over. "Don't drink and drive." Motherfucker, how am I going to get home?
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.
Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.
The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.
My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...
There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.
My real name is Scott Thompson. I could have gone by that name, but when I started doing comedy I thought I needed to go by something that has a little more of a hook.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.
I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop...