Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 236

Teachers have a chance to mold someone, inspire them. I hope all teachers realize that.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres."

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, "This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got this thing!" And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! Forget them! Fuck 'em! On. I must know how this works, I've used machines before!

Black folks never bungie jump. That’s too much like lynching for us. "I'm gonna let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge? You must be out your damn mind."

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’

The distance between taking social action and having the knowledge is as wide as the mouth of the Mississippi.

I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.

I try to do something the audience might not have seen before. Like if I'm gonna kiss a girl I wanna kiss her like a girl has never been kissed. Like maybe I would kick her legs out from under her and catch her right before she hits the ground and then kiss her.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

I feel today's society is so judgmental.

The worst person is the person that resists change. You could be that angry older guy who can be mad about it or you can embrace it. Anytime you try something different, people are going to be like, ‘That’s not how it used to be.’ It was. Guess what? That’s how it is. You have to adapt to it. You can’t be mad.