Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 236

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, "This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got this thing!" And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! Forget them! Fuck 'em! On. I must know how this works, I've used machines before!

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I've tried actively to define myself and redefine myself, and not be pigeonholed.

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

I had done the sitcom thing to lesser and lesser degrees of success.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen - 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'

I’m smart cause I’m Korean, I’m not so smart cause I’m from the south. They cancel each other out, so I’m even.

I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.