Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 236

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.

You'd better not kill me, man, I've got shit to do tomorrow!

We were a very small circle of writers. Everybody brought to the table their own life experience.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... That can keep me awake for days.

But I think the other is a little more like bullfighting, a little more daring and although I appreciate good acting and I liked being versatile my whole career, it kept me working.

This is the amount of time you think about sex: every once in a while. The problem becomes, when you think about it, it's all you can think about. It encompasses your whole brain. You're like a fucking werewolf or something. Usually you're a civilized human being, but then every couple of days, you?re like 'arrrgh.' Then you've got to close the blinds.

Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time.

Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.

White person write you a check, you can take it to the bank in the morning. Brother write you a check, he's gonna postdate it next Friday, look you straight in the eye and say, 'If you go in there Thursday, the money won't be there.'

Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.