Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 236

What I'm saying might be profane, but it's also profound.

On Jerry Springer: “You cultural sodomite. You were an aide to Bobby Kennedy, which explains your connection to Hasselhoff. I guess you like to hang around guys whose careers end on a hotel floor.”

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.

My comedy is for adults, but you can have your kids listen to it. They won't get all the jokes because hopefully I'm more cerebral than a 10-year-old... but if you ask my wife, I'm not!

Water parks provide a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and then soak in their pee.

I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.

Maybe it's instinctual to be monogamous; but if you know you are going to fuck her sister, maybe you should not be monogamous right yet.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

You know you're getting old when... you start to dress in more than six colours.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.