Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 236
My comedy is for adults, but you can have your kids listen to it. They won't get all the jokes because hopefully I'm more cerebral than a 10-year-old... but if you ask my wife, I'm not!
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass... but you just pushed my jackass button.
My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She’ll be in front of everyone with her um… breast… out feeding it. You know… cereal or whatever.
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
I've tried actively to define myself and redefine myself, and not be pigeonholed.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.
Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?
In the early days I was on the road 45-50 weeks a year, driving from gig to gig 6-8 weeks in a row. Not everyone can do that. The show becomes the easy part. Tt's the life on the road that is the hardest... and you can't get any good at standup unless you do the road.
If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober...