Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 237
I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.
The worst person is the person that resists change. You could be that angry older guy who can be mad about it or you can embrace it. Anytime you try something different, people are going to be like, ‘That’s not how it used to be.’ It was. Guess what? That’s how it is. You have to adapt to it. You can’t be mad.
Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book.
This is the amount of time you think about sex: every once in a while. The problem becomes, when you think about it, it's all you can think about. It encompasses your whole brain. You're like a fucking werewolf or something. Usually you're a civilized human being, but then every couple of days, you?re like 'arrrgh.' Then you've got to close the blinds.
My real name is Scott Thompson. I could have gone by that name, but when I started doing comedy I thought I needed to go by something that has a little more of a hook.
My way of telling stories is kind of what I do naturally. It's no different from how I would talk to you if you were in my living room.
Digital brand integration is part of the evolution of product placement. It's simply another tool marketers use to get products integrated into shows. If you can put it in a package, we can put it in a show.
I was sent to the principal's office for copying...they heard my Minolta running. The principal said 'Emo, Emo, Emo.' I said 'I'm the one in the middle, you lousy drunk!' He said, "do you know I could have you expelled?' I said 'yes, but you'll have to eat me first.'
You know, we're missing so much as African-Americans and we should be concerned about what's going on in Africa.
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
In the early days I was on the road 45-50 weeks a year, driving from gig to gig 6-8 weeks in a row. Not everyone can do that. The show becomes the easy part. Tt's the life on the road that is the hardest... and you can't get any good at standup unless you do the road.
I'm a really fucking boring guy. I'm really good at doing nothing. I'm really not much of a drug guy anymore - I just don't have the time or need or access or motivation. I got bills. It sucks being an adult.
I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.