Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 237
Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.
Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".
All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"
My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too.
I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.
"You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."
You know, we're missing so much as African-Americans and we should be concerned about what's going on in Africa.
I couldn't wait to be, you know, a Black Panther. Of course they wouldn't let me join.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.
Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."
There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.
Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?