Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 237
The worst person is the person that resists change. You could be that angry older guy who can be mad about it or you can embrace it. Anytime you try something different, people are going to be like, ‘That’s not how it used to be.’ It was. Guess what? That’s how it is. You have to adapt to it. You can’t be mad.
I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
I couldn't wait to be, you know, a Black Panther. Of course they wouldn't let me join.
There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.
It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."
A black President? Now come on y'all, we got Clinton, that's close. He got negro tendencies.
You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning... That can keep me awake for days.
Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".
Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again."