Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 237

Into the mud, scum queen!

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

When did banning anything, ever work? I mean, we banned liquor once in this country, oh, that worked like a charm, didn't it, folks? You couldn't find a drink in the roaring 20's, could ya? See that's the problem with the banning thing! I say why stop there, let's not ban guns, I know, let's ban crime!

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel.

My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.

You know, we're missing so much as African-Americans and we should be concerned about what's going on in Africa.

I don't think I'm a part of my mind that's always working - keeping a record of things that might be funny.

I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.

Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that.

Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.

What I'm saying might be profane, but it's also profound.

I am not promoting the use of drugs, I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!