Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 237
I'm on top of a moving train, and it's on fire. I'm fucking some girl, and Megan Fox is there, but I'm not having sex with her. She's like, 'Why am I even here?' And I'm like, 'To prove a point. Not everybody wants to fuck you, Megan Fox.'
If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.
My comedy is for adults, but you can have your kids listen to it. They won't get all the jokes because hopefully I'm more cerebral than a 10-year-old... but if you ask my wife, I'm not!
There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.
You know, we're missing so much as African-Americans and we should be concerned about what's going on in Africa.
Jews and Blacks come from the same history - 2,000 years of bullshit. We just expressed our suffering differently as people. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complain, we just never thought of putting it to music.
I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.
I am not promoting the use of drugs, I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!
In the early days I was on the road 45-50 weeks a year, driving from gig to gig 6-8 weeks in a row. Not everyone can do that. The show becomes the easy part. Tt's the life on the road that is the hardest... and you can't get any good at standup unless you do the road.