Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 237

In a store I saw that Peanut Butter and jelly in the same jar stuff. What’s the point to that? I’m lazy but... I want to meet the guy who needs that. "I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars."

If they played the world hunger commercials with some dope beats, they'd probably get mad donations son!

A salesman called on my wife the other day and tried to sell her a freezer. "You'll save a fortune on your food bills," he promised. "I can't tell you how much you'll save. It'll be tremendous." Said my wife: "I'm sure you're right, but we're already saving a fortune with our new car by not taking the bus. We're saving a fortune with our new washing machine by not sending out the laundry. We're saving a fortune with our new dishwasher by giving up the maid. The plain truth is that right now we just can't afford to save any more!"

I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop...

The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.

Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

You want to reclaim your country? You got to go back to the first men who started this country, the founding fathers and this is going to be shocking for the liberal professors out there that are indoctrinating our kids but the founding fathers believed in the Judeo-Christian god that believed we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! You can pursuit it. If you don’t get it, it’s your fault! You messed up. Go back to work. Work harder.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

You've made a happy man very old.

People don't let politicians kiss your babies. Those lips have been on lobbyist asses for years now.

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

I don't think I'm a part of my mind that's always working - keeping a record of things that might be funny.

My way of telling stories is kind of what I do naturally. It's no different from how I would talk to you if you were in my living room.

My real name is Scott Thompson. I could have gone by that name, but when I started doing comedy I thought I needed to go by something that has a little more of a hook.