Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 235

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

A lot of directors, they're creative, but they're different.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

Ain't nobody get fired, they went in another direction.

Oh my god, Jenny McCarthy is the coolest chick. She's the kind of girl you can play volleyball with and she's diggin' it out in the dirt. She's the girl that's playing softball - not worrying about breaking a nail. She's out there breaking nails and diving at second. And then, she's going to out-drink you at the bar.

I'm a really fucking boring guy. I'm really good at doing nothing. I'm really not much of a drug guy anymore - I just don't have the time or need or access or motivation. I got bills. It sucks being an adult.

I love stand up and it keeps me grounded, to say the stuff I have been thinking without anyone changing it.

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

My comedy is for adults, but you can have your kids listen to it. They won't get all the jokes because hopefully I'm more cerebral than a 10-year-old... but if you ask my wife, I'm not!

There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!

There's nothing wrong with trying to reach out to new fans.

We were a very small circle of writers. Everybody brought to the table their own life experience.

I had done the sitcom thing to lesser and lesser degrees of success.

In the early days I was on the road 45-50 weeks a year, driving from gig to gig 6-8 weeks in a row. Not everyone can do that. The show becomes the easy part. Tt's the life on the road that is the hardest... and you can't get any good at standup unless you do the road.