Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 235
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.
Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!
50 Cent is a hero to me because he's overcome so many things. He's been shot nine times and lived. I had a cousin got shot once in the ankle. Dead. I had to go to the funeral. I was mad. "Man, you ain't hard! You ain't hard!"
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
Comedy can be, especially in a writer's room, really aggressive, kind of a very male-dominated room, and it would be hard for women. It's not a nurturing place. It's not like a lot of women are going to say, I can't wait to live that lifestyle and be in a writer's room until 2 or 3 a.m.
Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?
I learned that money's not happiness. The more famous I am and the more money I make, the closer I stay to my family and friends that I've known since junior high school. True happiness to me is the connection with fellow human beings I've known for a long time.
I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.
As rewarding as a good film role can be, there is just nothing like getting up on a stage and taking an audience for a ride. You make a movie, and the audience may not see it for another 10 months. Here, you know immediately their reaction.
Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again."