Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 235
[on anal sex] He's, like, trying to sell me on it being "natural". I'm like, "Um, first of all - doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all - fucking doody comes out of there." I don't need two reasons when doody's involved.
My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too.
If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.
Homeland security is a problem... Because, it's a good idea, but it's a problem, because the man who runs it is Tom Ridge. And he is someone who has the leadership qualities of... a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with what is the color coding system of security. You know, orange and yellow, and whatever the fuck the others are. OK? And what's stupid about it is they had it color-coded, like we're in fucking elementary school! There's no need for that! Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to fucking explain it, so get rid of the fucking color! Simplify it; there should be three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, fuck me!
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
We were a very small circle of writers. Everybody brought to the table their own life experience.
I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
There was a period where our child's birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project.
I had done the sitcom thing to lesser and lesser degrees of success.