Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 235
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
You know you're getting old when... you start to dress in more than six colours.
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.
Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?
I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!
Comedy can be, especially in a writer's room, really aggressive, kind of a very male-dominated room, and it would be hard for women. It's not a nurturing place. It's not like a lot of women are going to say, I can't wait to live that lifestyle and be in a writer's room until 2 or 3 a.m.
There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!
50 Cent is a hero to me because he's overcome so many things. He's been shot nine times and lived. I had a cousin got shot once in the ankle. Dead. I had to go to the funeral. I was mad. "Man, you ain't hard! You ain't hard!"