Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 235
White person write you a check, you can take it to the bank in the morning. Brother write you a check, he's gonna postdate it next Friday, look you straight in the eye and say, 'If you go in there Thursday, the money won't be there.'
There was a period where our child's birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project.
We get up early Sunday morning, and we have cereal and orange juice and we make crank calls.
To make boxing training more exciting my trainer dresses as a ninja and yells, 'Ive never felt pain like this!! Who is this human!?'
A black President? Now come on y'all, we got Clinton, that's close. He got negro tendencies.
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, ‘Do you want a blow job?’ He said, ‘Will it affect me dole money?’
No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning.
It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.
50 Cent is a hero to me because he's overcome so many things. He's been shot nine times and lived. I had a cousin got shot once in the ankle. Dead. I had to go to the funeral. I was mad. "Man, you ain't hard! You ain't hard!"
My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She’ll be in front of everyone with her um… breast… out feeding it. You know… cereal or whatever.
I couldn't wait to be, you know, a Black Panther. Of course they wouldn't let me join.
The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time, sometimes it has its own lawyer. Everything affects it: kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it.