Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 235
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
We get up early Sunday morning, and we have cereal and orange juice and we make crank calls.
When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.
I've tried actively to define myself and redefine myself, and not be pigeonholed.
If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober...
Peter Hyams - and these are his words, it sounds a little self-serving, sharing them from me - his suggestion was that Gabriel and I could lend a credibility, acting-wise, to an otherwise big, sloppy studio action film.
Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.
Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?
Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning.
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.