Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 860

My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante's inferno, where they're gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there’s arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

When a bird gets sucked into an engine they call it "bird strike". It's not bird strike, it's "engine suck"!

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.

If you ask me right now, you've seen the last of Mind of Mencia. I don't want to be a one-trick pony. I would rather walk away and do more movies, comedy and even some dramatic roles.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.