Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 860

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, "Hey, you hungry?"

You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is...[mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!".

In fact, I had the idea because of Peter Falk. I saw my dad watching a Peter Falk movie and something clicked in my head. I gotta go make a movie for Peter Falk and me.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, "I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you." And I say, "You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct." When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.

Sir, where can one go to find nice women here?

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

I guess I don't have to point this out, that it's the second time I've hosted the Emmys after a national tragedy. And I just want to say that I'm honored because it's times like this that we really need laughter.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?”<br /> So I didn’t exist.