Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 861

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.

If you ask me right now, you've seen the last of Mind of Mencia. I don't want to be a one-trick pony. I would rather walk away and do more movies, comedy and even some dramatic roles.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

It's almost as if someone took a saltine cracker, crumbled it and threw it in the air. These casinos were barges, on the water, and they were destroyed.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.'

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.

I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.

I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.

The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, "Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny."