Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 861

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

The heart wants what it wants.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

I've become this sort of icon for the gay community. I don't like the position.

Gandhi, who went to Wendy’s and asked, "Where’s the belief?" Never got a dinner!

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!'

Clinton could have done a better job with the hurricane while having sex.

Sir, where can one go to find nice women here?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

No one grows up saying 'I hope I work in an office one day?' And that fascinated me. People from 16 to 65 are just thrown together and that is a tantalizing mix,