Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 859

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

I feel like I'm a big human snot.

I don't feel I'm even worthy of a normal amount of value.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.

This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.

My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante's inferno, where they're gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.

I'm not smart enough to write about something that didn't actually happen to me. But I couldn't write a space movie if you put a gun to my head.

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee! Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was “Don’t fart!” Yeah, you’ve thought about it, haven’t you! ‘Cause when you’re standing up and you’ve got gas, you can clench it in. When someone’s rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you’re bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.