Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 859

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.

One of the beauties of watching our show is that, really and truly, it remains fresh because you're dealing with human beings and their behavior.

I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

It got up to 94 degrees today - that's pretty good at my age.

I thought I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up. She’s like, “I think I’m pregnant.” I was like, “The number you have reached…”

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.

This happened to the people. The Constitution says "of the people, by the people, for the people"... but the people who got the office, got into office and forgot about the people.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting around in the Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're watching "the Bachelor," and it's a little harder for the bachelor over there because it's tough to tell who's hot under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummuus and smores from room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out.

There are no "I's" in "we" but there are two "i's" in "Wii."