Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 859

I just love acting.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Everybody I hire is more fucked up than I am.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'

True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass.

2+2=4. Damn straight. All the time, nigga all the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. 3x+y=what? This bitch is still teaching. Did you know that some of them was letters?!!?

Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!

It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love - these are what we stay alive for.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.