Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 10
The next time you see a ‘hybrid’ car with a baby seat in it, smash the fucking windows out of that car, fight club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was and see if you send a message. 'Cause that's every sanctimonious cunt that thinks that they're part of the solution, when they're exact problem.
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion.
You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...
Don't do shit you hate... there's another way... quit. Go in Monday and steel a bunch of shit and quit... and steel big shit too.
Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.
There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.
Ugly people face as much or more discrimination than any fucking minority group.
I really like Dane Cook as a person. And I want to fuck him, mentally and physically. I'll stop there before offering anymore bad puns.
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.