Quotes & Jokes by Billy Crystal / page 2


When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, "What's he doing hitting the government?"

I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.

Never say famous last words, because they could be.

Change is such hard work.

When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.

You look mahvelous!

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

As a director and an actor, I encourage improvisation but in character and in the moment of what it is.

Oh, I can't do it right now; I'm busy, I'm busy, too.

At night, I'll notice a thigh will just start aching. And this arm, and this...

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

People thought this would be an award show - but we couldn't get anybody to open up the envelopes. I've been backstage at a lot of rock concerts, and I've never seen musicians run away from white powder before!

The house smelled of brisket and bourbon. That's the music I grew up on.

At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn't have something to say on a nightly basis.