Quotes and Jokes by Billy Crystal

William Edward Crystal is an American actor, comedian, writer, producer, director, and television host. He gained prominence in the 1970s and 80s for television roles as Jodie Dallas on the ABC sitcom Soap and as a cast member and frequent host of Saturday Night Live.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 43)


It's more important to look good than to feel good.


Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.


In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.


Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?


Never say famous last words, because they could be.


I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish.


That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul.


From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.


I've seen worse... It just so happens that your friend here is mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.


Consider the rose... The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place.


To be or... Line!


You look mahvelous!


People thought this would be an award show - but we couldn't get anybody to open up the envelopes. I've been backstage at a lot of rock concerts, and I've never seen musicians run away from white powder before!


Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.