Quotes & Jokes by Billy Crystal
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
It's more important to look good than to feel good.
In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul.
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?
How do you find what's going to make everybody have this strange reaction in their bodies, this response that's sort of chemical and physical all at once - this noise and emotion that changes how you sit? A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.
I've seen worse... It just so happens that your friend here is mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.
The reason we are together is because she puts lead in my shoes and doesn't let me fly off the earth. And it's always been that way.
Consider the rose... The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place.
I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish.
When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, "What's he doing hitting the government?"
To be or... Line!
I’m married – I’ve caught my limit.
To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing.