Quotes & Jokes by Dave Chappelle

121 quotes

Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me."

I hate you. I hate you. I don’t even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you.

Terrorists don't take black hostages. That's the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. Like, 'Uh... they is treating us good. Uh we are chilling and shit. I'd like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray an Big Steve and uh, send some Newports!'

"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"

Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "Bitch! I live in a fucking trashcan!"

All these years, I thought I liked chicken cause it was delicious; but turns out, I'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken!

Hey, niggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, nigger! Woogie boogie!

Weed’s not as bad as everything else… ’cause weed is a background substance. You know what I mean, you can smoke some herb and still function. You ain’t crisp… but you’ll function.

Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mmm..., nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!'

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

I was on vacation at Disney World, and everybody kept coming up to me and saying 'Hey, I'm Rick James, bitch.' I was like, 'Could you not call me a bitch in front of my kids?'

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!