Quotes & Jokes about Weed

20 quotes

"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"

Weed’s not as bad as everything else… ’cause weed is a background substance. You know what I mean, you can smoke some herb and still function. You ain’t crisp… but you’ll function.

I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day; I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway. And that's how you weed people out of your life.

I've been trying to quit smoking weed and it's really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.

Weed is from tha earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage!

If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.

My question is - after you've been arrested three or four times, who calls up their friends and goes, 'Hey! Let's get an eight-ball, let's get a bag of weed, let's get a gun, let's get a six-pack and - fuck it - I'll drive!'

I don’t do drugs, though. Just weed.

If you are sitting here tonight or at home, and you're thinking, 'Hey, I'd like to get high with the dude that's been on TV all the time, outside of a comedy venue, like in a parking lot or a park of some sort.' Then that is an achievable goal. You can seriously make that shit happen. All you need is two things: to ask me and have weed.

Don't bring your sand toys to the park. That's another bad move. Because I go to the park, and I'm on the Vicodin and a little weed too - let's face it - and I go in there, and my wife's like, 'Bring the sand toys! Bring the sand toys!' And I know what happens every single time: I become sand toy repo man from the eight little kids that run off in nine different directions with my sand toys.

What is wrong with me I just bought a bag of weed from an infant.

I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I’m telling a lot of jokes about it.

You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a weed eater indoors.

Marijuana brownies are amazing. Very simple to make, too. Just get some Duncan Hines brownie mix and cook the weed right in there. Drop it right in with the butter. I don’t know who came up with this idea first, but it’s sheer genius.