Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller
German reunification: I view this in much the same way I view a possible Dean Martin - Jerry Lewis reconciliation: I never really enjoyed their work, and I'm not sure I need to see any of their new stuff.
And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.
Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he's just a penguin's bitch.
Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight.
The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?
Of course he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.
Our desire was to be annexed into one of the villages of Columbia, but it didn't turn out that way.
The Left believes in cradle to the grave assistance, it’s just sometimes really tricky making it to the cradle.
The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.