Quotes & Jokes about Help

32 quotes

God help me. I'm so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night...

Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you cunt.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: "Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!"