Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard

195 quotes

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we?

And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.

Would you look over there, there's a badger with a gun... can you see? Then new queue! You're in there!

Cause you think we all live in castles. And we do all live in castles. We got a castle each. We’re up to here with fuckin’ castles. We just long for a bungalow or something.

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!

Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuckhead!

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym!

Today's sermon is taken from a magazine that I found... that I found in a hedge. This season's lipstick colours will be in the frosted pink area - and nails to match... and this reminds me rather of our lord Jesus. Because, surely, when Jesus rode into town on a donkey... he must have gotten tarted up a bit.

I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.

When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."

Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

The same people who make toasters make showers. For they have a turney button too that lies. For we all know turn turn turn turn for hot. Turn turn turn turn for cold. But the only position we're interested in is the position between there... and there. One nanomillimeter between fantastically hot, and fucking freezing.

Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, "Oh, would you like insurance?"