Quotes and Jokes by Eddie Izzard

Edward John Izzard is an English stand-up comic, actor, writer, and political activist. His comedic style takes the form of rambling whimsical monologues and self-referential pantomime.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 182)

#1

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we?

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#2

So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.

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#3

And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"

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#4

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!

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#5

My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it. If I had to describe how I feel in my head, I'd say I'm a complete boy plus half a girl. I don't seem to have the sixth sense that women have or their stronger senses of taste and smell. Gay men can also have it but straight men don't.

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#6

Cause you think we all live in castles. And we do all live in castles. We got a castle each. We’re up to here with fuckin’ castles. We just long for a bungalow or something.

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#7

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

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#8

Would you look over there, there's a badger with a gun... can you see? Then new queue! You're in there!

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#9

They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.

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#10

Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.

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#11

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym!

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#12

What I'm talking about is blasphemy! Blasphe-you! Blasphe-everybody in the room!... hm. 6 person joke, that. There we go.

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#13

Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing.. they don't even eat... flies!

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#14

The same people who make toasters make showers. For they have a turney button too that lies. For we all know turn turn turn turn for hot. Turn turn turn turn for cold. But the only position we're interested in is the position between there... and there. One nanomillimeter between fantastically hot, and fucking freezing.

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#15

Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuckhead!

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