Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 5
A few days ago, it was my birthday, and it was in the newspaper, and growing up I never would have guessed that a) my name would be in the newspaper, and b) that I might outlast those papers.
My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"
I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.
I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower.
My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.
Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.