Quotes & Jokes about Baseball

Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

This guy from L. A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars. If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

"Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and yelling, "You want a piece of me?"

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

As American as an apple is and as American as baseball is, they don't go together. You can't be chewing an apple at a baseball game. You've got to let go of the diet that day.