My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.
I have this friend who got divorced. I went golfing with him recently. It's the first time I'd seem him since the divorce. So when I got home, my wife's like, "How's Gary?" "I don't know" "I thought you went golfing with Gary today" "I did" "And you don't know how he's doing?" "It never came up." "Is he dating anyone?" "I don't know." "Were you two in the same golf cart?" "Yeah." "You're kidding me! You were in the same golf cart for four hours and you don't if he's dating anyone?" "I know he's got a new driver" "How is that possible that wouldn't come up?" "How is that possible it would come up?" "The hundred and fifty marker's there, probably about a hundred and thirty-five. Are you dating anyone?"
Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to walk out onto the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna take a nap now."
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me."
Mama says that, happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you're feeling blue...
When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.