Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Using profanity is an indicator that you lack class, or feel strongly about being something, and want to get your fuckin' point across.

I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"

Everything that people say is testable.

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.

Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.