Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

[To a whore]<br /> Blackadder: Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.

You never hear a woman say, 'Hey, lets go to balls.'

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? My son!

You might be a redneck if you think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody -- apart from himself -- a lot. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.