Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

18,873 quotes

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

Whenever they show Arabic being spoken on TV, its usually these crazy people in these protests in the Arab world and all of them speaking this really horrish Arabic *arab accent* "Khalikokhu kha.. la la la la la FUCK AMERICA!"

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".