Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.