Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.

Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.