Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I'm really funny now.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.