Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?