Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...