Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.