Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.