Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long is a Scottish winter?

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I love Steven Wright.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...