Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.