Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.