Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.