Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.