Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.