Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.