Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!