Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.