Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.