Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.