Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.