Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.