Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…

Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think; therefore I worry.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.