Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.

You might be a redneck if you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip you dick off and throw yourself into traffic funny!

The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.