Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.