Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.