Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I'm a mischievous drunk.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.