Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.