Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!