Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.