Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.