Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.