Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.