Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.