Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!