Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.