Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?