Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!