Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.