Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.