Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?