Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...