Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.