Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.