Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.