Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

At one point he decided enough was enough.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."