Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?