Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think; therefore I worry.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.