Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.