Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.
Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"