Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.