Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.