Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...