Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.