Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.