Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.