Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.