Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I love Steven Wright.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

George Bush hates midgets.