Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.
But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.
I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.