Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.