Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I love Steven Wright.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.