Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.