Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I love Steven Wright.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.