Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'