Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.