Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!