Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."