Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.