Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.