Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.