Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?