Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!