Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

He who hesitates is probably right.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.