Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.