Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.