Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.