Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?