Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."