Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

I'm a cautious pessimist.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?