Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.