Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.