Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.