Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.