Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.