Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.