Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"