Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?