Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.