Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.