Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.