Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.