Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."