Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.