Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.