Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"