Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."
Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".