Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think; therefore I worry.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.