Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.