Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.