Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.