Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I love Steven Wright.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!