Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.