Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.