Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"