Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."