Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.