Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.