Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.