Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.