Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.