Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"