Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.