Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."