Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.