Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.