Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.