Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"