Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

George Bush hates midgets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.