Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.