Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.
Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.