Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.