Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.