Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.