Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.