Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?