Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.