Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.