Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.