Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”