Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.