Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I'm just lucky to know someone that's that sweet and pretty.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.