Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.