Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.