Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I think; therefore I worry.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.