Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!