Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.