Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.