Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.
The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".