Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.