Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.