Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.