Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!