Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.