Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.