Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.