Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.