Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…
Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.