Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.