Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.