Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.