Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.