Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.