Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.