Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.