Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.