Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”