Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.