Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.