Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.