Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.