Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I love Steven Wright.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.