Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.