Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."