Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

I'm a late-night guy.

What year did Jesus think it was?

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What -- does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.