Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.