Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.