Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.