Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Everything that people say is testable.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I love Steven Wright.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...