Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.