Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.