Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.