Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1078

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.