Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1003

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much.

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me…

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, midlife for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter miler, who's son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.