Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1003

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button!

Yes, what is this? Huh? This is whack! I can't get jiggy with this shit! Where's your damn manager, that pink motherfucker?

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.

I would have sex with a 17 year old boy. But the only problem is most of them still live at home with their mama. And I am too old to be sneaking into a bitch’s house to have sex with her son on a twin bed. Do you know how hard it is to have sex on a twin bed? To try to keep your balance on a bed with some Star Wars sheets on it?

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness.

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I had this whole impression in my head that Arabic was such a horrible language coz its always like "*arab accent* khakhli o kha" no wonder their people are so angry, they are vomiting on each other when they talk.

Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, "Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn." Never got a dinner!

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'