Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1003

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

I have no grand scheme.

The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

I would like one day to not only pop a hymen but actually pull the plastic off the vagina, unwrap the vagina.

I just think they should get a fair shake. They didn't. They didn't have the rights regular criminals get.

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button!

Hooray for most things!

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

And hold on, I'm sure they're pissed off about something.