Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1002
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.
God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!
People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film.
People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know… People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.