Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1002

Depression isn't affected by gravity.

If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.

I would like one day to not only pop a hymen but actually pull the plastic off the vagina, unwrap the vagina.

[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!

When you're in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they're nice about it. They're like, 'Hey man, you look good!' But when you're in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, 'You doin' all right?'

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness.

The amazing thing is there are people who've never left this country who talk about the fact that we're the greatest country on Earth. How fucking dumb is that?! Cuz you don't know, if you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away every day! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? Health insurance!

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.