Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1002

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn’t really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

I started out as an impressionist and that`s all about observing - how people move, their voice quality, their attitudes and quirks.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

What goes up must come down, which is why I don't wear tube tops.

I'm not playing with you. I will blow that black, crusty, dead knarled motherfucker the fuck off your foot! Now put the razor away!

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.