Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1002

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.

Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Fatherhood is asking your son to make up a name rather than tell anybody who he is.

I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.