Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1002
Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.
Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you’re crowning?
Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.
[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!
Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.
The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.
It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.
I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.