Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1004

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

Raised by two mothers... wow, most of us barely survive one.

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?

I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation.

Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.