Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1004

Women should be obscene and not heard.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place... just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

The first class people look at you like, “we get on the plane first and we get our drinks first.” I feel like going, “Yeah, you hit the mountain first too.”

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

Whenever they show Arabic being spoken on TV, its usually these crazy people in these protests in the Arab world and all of them speaking this really horrish Arabic *arab accent* "Khalikokhu kha.. la la la la la FUCK AMERICA!"

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.