Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1004

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.

As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.

You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.

I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

New management came in and they cleaned everybody out so we hit the skids. We lived in a van, so I kind of know what happens to people when this happens.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.