Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1004

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness.

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"

Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

All bitches have a heart.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.