Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1018
When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
"Do you know what it is sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door 'Hey! Start dancing!'"
I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.
"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
John Wilkes Booth, who said, "Sorry, I thought he was a critic." Never got a dinner!
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!
GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who as we all know before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.