Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1018

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

The normal make a living, the deranged make history.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was.

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

Raised by two mothers... wow, most of us barely survive one.

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

What is the speed of dark?