Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1018
Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.
The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.
I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.
I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross galaxies, or wherever they come from to visit us, and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man.