Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1018

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

Women would rule the world - if only they'd stop bitchin' about each other.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

Maybe other people will try to limit me but I don't limit myself.

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?

Look at us - we're a San Francisco wedding cake.

Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".

Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.