Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1019

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'

There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.

The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you’re crowning?

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

My father was a small claims court jester.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.