Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1019
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could you screw that up ? And don't say, "Well, you could cause someone six months of physical therapy." 'Cos, hey, lots of times, those exercise take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places like that. And, she gets to park up really close for a while. Ha ha, oh, I'm the bad guy.
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]<br /> I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.