Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1019

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

We had 1 book, the phone book, I’ve read it, it wasn’t a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

I love performing in front of all you wonderful people. But really, this isn’t all that. What I really want is my own show. But the BBC have very strict guidlines about ethnicity. Apparently I’ve got to wait for Lenny Henry to die.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

Rush Limbaugh. He should come out everyday with shit on his face. And just sit down at that fucking desk with that smug stupid little smile and say, “I was talking to Pat Robertson today as you can see.”

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'