Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1017

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

Hooray for most things!

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.

I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I'd love that. But I don't need to be. I just want to be here. That's it.

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.