Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1017

Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.

I am willing to commit espionage against the United States by providing your country with highly classified information.

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Having feelings doesn’t mean you have to have sex.

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.