Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1017

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...

I can say that. I have a television show.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

My Jihad energy drink isn’t going to go. Ramadan noodles, not going to go. My Islamic version of the 3 Stooges, with Mohammed and whatever would be the Islamic version of Larry and Curly...

My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.