Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1017

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".

Woman are always thinking. Always. Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."

Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding.

The only weapon we have is comedy.

You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.

I swear if Colgate comes out with one more type of toothepaste. I just want clean teeth that's all I want. I don't want the tartar and I don't want the cavaties. And I want white teeth. How come I have to choose? And then they have the 'Colgate Total' that supposedly has everything in there. I don't believe that for one second. If it's all in the one, how come they make all the others? Who's going: "I don't mind the tartar so much."?

Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, "Hey, here`s a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!"

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

Dress like a gentleman, but my mouth is never civilized.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?