Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1036
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
It's really the kids that do you in. We have two kids. That's fucking stupid. Don't do that.
When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.
When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.
They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
I’m sick and tired of people bashing this great land of ours. People call us lazy. We’re not lazy folks. We’ve only been in this country for 300 years. We’ve built nuclear weapons plants, malls, factories. We’re not lazy, we’re done.
If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.
Tittie bars got weird morality. One time I walked into a tittie bar - all these guys coming in, right? Out of these dudes, the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey Buddy! Sir! Sir! You wanna take your hat off? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” Yeah, I can shove a twenty up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it.