Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1036
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.
A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.
My Jihad energy drink isn’t going to go. Ramadan noodles, not going to go. My Islamic version of the 3 Stooges, with Mohammed and whatever would be the Islamic version of Larry and Curly...