Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1036

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

A constant question you get asked as a comedian by journalists is “when did you first realize you wanted to be a comedian?” And you never hear the honest response from people, which is, “well, when all the career dreams my parents had for me died in the gutter like a fairgrounds fish.”

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced]<br /> I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.

I get happier every day. I have a sense of accomplishment every day of my life.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.