Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1037

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behaviour. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

My family wasn't the Brady Bunch. They were the Broody Bunch.

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.