Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1037

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

People don't know what it's like standing up there onstage, when you have a wall of people smiling at you.

There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's fucking amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing!

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

The next evolutionary step is into the screen.