Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1037
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?
Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!
I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.
You might be a redneck if you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?
"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.