Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1037
I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.
Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.