Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1037

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

The next evolutionary step is into the screen.

You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.

It's the inevitable consummation of this largely manufactured battle between a man who makes people laugh for a living and whatever people think I do. In a televised, two-part hatefuck that is, by all measure, bound to dissapoint anyone that's been following it. Catch the fever!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"

A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.

It sucks being fat, you know.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

You might be a redneck if... your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Having feelings doesn’t mean you have to have sex.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.